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I'm Not In Love With My Life Right Now

We all want to lead a lifestyle that makes us feel exhilarated! Excited to be alive, fulfilled and be who we are. What is it that makes us happy? The answer to this question will differ from one person to the next, but ultimately, the things which leads us to happiness are two of the simplest things which require nothing more than effort on our part. We all have access to them, we are all capable of them, so what seems to be the stumbling block?

If you feel like you could be more motivated and absolutely buzzing to start your day every morning but at the moment it feels more like dragging yourself, pushing yourself, and maybe even just going with the motions, then read on to find the missing link and what you can do to start feeling better about yourself and your life.

According to studies, happiness has four elements, namely:

  1. Being directly in control of your happiness,

  2. Maintaining a positive outlook on the future,

  3. Feeling content or satisfied and,

  4. Emphasizing inner gratification over materialistic gratification.

The things which provide these elements in excess are gratitude and authenticity. We, as human beings, feel a strong need to be our authentic selves. When we are not, it shows up in our mental health, our behaviour and then eventually, our physical health, or rather lack thereof. It starts with attachment in early childhood. Attachment and connection are basic human needs that we, as humans, cannot do without and physically, mentally, spiritually suffer without. When we do not get the necessary healthy connections from our caregivers, we develop unhealthy (toxic) attachment styles which affect how we show up for others and most importantly, for ourselves. In other words, we lack authenticity, we suppress our true wants, needs, and selves. Let us have a look at attachment styles before we go on.

Attachment styles set the foundation for how we navigate and view relationships throughout our lives: romantic, platonic, professional, friendships, and with ourselves. The way you show up in relationships and how you feel about yourself depends on how your caregiver interacted with you during childhood and it goes on to affect your worldview and behaviour in adulthood, which then of course affects your thoughts, and in turn your emotions.

Secure Attachment

A child who has a parent/caregiver that they can consistently rely on to fulfill their needs growing up is likely to develop a secure attachment style. They’ll see relationships as a safe space where they can express their emotions freely. This leads to you :

· having high self-esteem

· knowing how to self-regulate (emotional intelligence)

· being comfortable spending time alone

· knowing how to communicate and express yourself effectively

· being emotionally available

· not being afraid of asking for help or support

· feeling comfortable getting close to and opening up to people

· having the ability to introspect

· easily trusting others

· having the ability to handle conflict

Insecure Attachment

Insecure attachment styles (avoidant, anxious, and disorganized) develop if a child has had an unfulfilling bond with their caregivers. The child learns that they cannot rely on others to fulfill their basic needs and comfort. This leads to you

  • having “commitment issues“

  • feeling an overly strong sense of independence

  • being dismissive of others

  • have a hard time trusting people

  • feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to you

  • being uncomfortable expressing your feelings

  • persistently avoiding emotional or physical intimacy

  • spend more time alone than interacting with others

  • believe you don’t need others in your life

If this worldview and self-perception is unhealthy, we struggle to reach contentment and happiness, we struggle to show up and express ourselves in an authentic way. This leaves us feeling frustrated, stressed, unhappy and unhealthy in our daily lives. We feel out of control of our own happiness and therefore hopeless about our future because our true selves are being suppressed and denied.

Now how do we turn this around? How do we take back control of our own happiness and fulfillment? I mentioned that there are two very simple things that can lead us to that place, gratitude and authenticity. Despite everything that has been going on around us in the last few years, happiness has actually increased by a staggering 35% as people are becoming more self-aware and taking care of their mental health more. According to research by R. Emmons Ph.D., people who practice gratitude are much happier than people who do not, by a whole 25%. Here’s why,


· increases positive emotions (releases what we call “happy hormones”),

· improves mental well-being

· improves physical well-being

· improves sleep


· improves the level of trust and respect you have in yourself and the decisions that you make

· improves the level of trust and respect others have in you

· improves mental health (lowers depression and anxiety)

· boosts physical health

· you experience a higher sense meaningfulness, contentment, and purpose in your everyday life

· boosts self-confidence and acceptance

· you have a richer experience in your relationships

How can you apply and practice them in your daily life?

· Sticking to your core values no matter and not being swayed

· Saying no to things which are not in line with your values, your plans, how you take care of yourself and have chosen to show up for yourself (e.g. being coerced to go out when you feel drained and feel you need a day in to spend some quality time with yourself to reset and re-energise)

· Practice mindfulness to stay in touch with your needs

· Define what authenticity is to you

· Communicate honestly

· Look for and acknowledge the good things in your life

· Celebrate the small wins

· Keep a gratitude journal and vocalise (daily) the things you are grateful for.

Practicing more gratitude and authenticity will enrich your life and allow you to view life from a whole new lens that sees more opportunities, solutions, and things to be joyful about. The messages in your brain will literally be re-conditioned to create and experience a happier, more fulfilling life. Start taking the steps to fall in love with yourself and your life.

Coach Nomie, Take Control x

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