Have you ever wondered why on Earth you are attracted to who you are attracted to over someone else? Do you recognize the difference in the kind of attraction you feel for them? Sounds simple enough if you think about it as platonic and romantic attraction, but there are a few kinds of attraction, like : platonic, sexual, romantic and intellectual.
When you think about it in terms of the things you are looking for in a connection, be it a partner, a friend, a colleague, you will start to understand and notice the way that you subconsciously choose your connections.
This gives you the power to consciously choose the kind of connections you actually want and need in your life.
What is Attraction?
Attraction, by definition, is the power to elicit feelings of desire, interest or a liking. In Psychology, we study why we are attracted to certain people over others.
Why does this even matter? The simple answer is that as humans, one of our most basic needs is connection. It is an essential part of the things we need to function at our level best.
Several factors influence who we are attracted to: Internal and External.
Internal
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our ultimate need is the need to self-actualize.
We seek to fulfill basic physical needs before attending to fulfill and meet more complex psychological needs, and connection is one of the most important for good human functioning. It brings us that much closer to self-actualization.
Physiological Needs
These are our basic needs like shelter, water, and food.
Safety Needs
This includes physical, emotional, and financial safety.
Love & Belonging Needs
This is where the need for connection comes in. We need intimacy, we crave belonging, and kinship.
Esteem Needs
This would include your self-esteem, your confidence, and self-respect. As much as it is primarily about the self, we also crave and value being loved, appreciated, and valued by others.
Self-Actualization Needs
The ultimate goal for us as humans, reaching our full potential and includes things like skill development and education.
Your mood and your emotions also make an impact on who you are attracted to and why you are attracted to them.
External
Culture and time influence what the definition of beauty is to a particular society (it tends to differ from culture to culture) and this becomes important and relevant when it comes to physical attraction.
The 5 Elements: Proximity, Similarity, Physical Attractiveness, Reciprocity, Responsiveness
Proximity
The repeated exposure effect (seeing someone on the regular) increases attraction. Seeing them often makes them grow on you, makes you find things to like about them.
e.g. feeling attraction to someone you see at work every day.
Similarity
The similarity effect, this is when you are attracted to someone you feel is similar to you.
e.g. feeling attraction to someone who likes the same movie genre, who makes the same lifestyle choices, who thinks similarly to you and has the same level of ambition. Having a lot in common increases your level of attraction to them.
There is an exception with opposites attracting.
Physical Attractiveness
The Attractiveness Stereotype, this is the assumption that beautiful people are kind, talented, charming, and seeing them that way.
e.g. A preference for a physically attractive person for a job, for a friend, as a partner.
The Halo Effect (The assumption that what is beautiful is good).
Reciprocity
Feeling attraction to someone who is attracted to you or who possesses a characteristic we value highly, like kindness.
This is not a must. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable with the way in which they express their attraction to you, you are not obligated to reciprocate.
Responsiveness
This is how :
· responsive you are to the attraction someone feels,
· you exhibit / express your own attraction
e.g. flirting, prioritizing quality time together to get to know each other better.
The back and forth responsiveness fuels the attraction. You become attracted to someone because you know or find out that they are attracted to you.
The Reward Theory has an effect on attraction with responsiveness because as humans we objectively prefer situations that require the least amount of effort while still giving us the best rewards.
e.g. Proximity – being attracted to someone who lives near you that you can see regularly without much travel.
So have a think, what is it that attracts you to people? Are you noticing a trend with regards to how you choose your partners? How you choose your friends?
Coach Nomie, Take Control
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